If you look at the timeline of my posts, you'll notice a definite gap. It's likely you will see more in the future. The fact is that for the past few weeks I have been crippled with extreme anxiety and depression.
I normally consider my mental health to be my business. Most people I work with don't even know I have challenges in this area. I suspect that even my direct family don't know the ins-and-outs of my condition. It's had a big effect on my life since adulthood, and it is likely that it contributes to the choices I make. It a big factor about why I am not close with my family any more. That's the thing that hurts the most. I love them. I miss them.
But, I thought I should put something down. After all, one of the recommendations of using a learning log is when you have significant problems or challenges. Well, this is a doozy. I have struggled with my mental health since I started university almost 20 years ago. But, I didn't get diagnosed with something concrete until 2007. I have something called Cyclothymia. It's in the family of mood disorders like bipolar, you can find out more about it here.
I suppose I should crack on and tell you the story of my latest mood swing. It was a low one, and it crushed me. I could feel myself going down every day until one day, I could barely get myself out of bed. It's not the actual depression that is the hardest to manage. I have learnt that it will pass, and so I ride it out - like surfing a wave. It's the effect it has on how I look after myself, how much fresh air I get and how much physical activity I am able to do.
I enjoy doing the work for my degree, and I often have ideas about what I want, or could do. But I find it difficult to get them down onto paper, let alone to take time to develop them. I have a clear picture of what I want to do in my head. But when I do something practical, I am frustrated by the limitation of my skills. The gap between the picture on my head and the one I am able to render is so big.
I want to be in the world where I can control my life, and not be tossed around in the riptide of the 9-5
In this episode my depression opened up the door to extreme anxiety. There is so much noise going on in my head. I wanted and needed to redesign the website for my consultancy, but then got stuck with what should go onto it, what messaging, what brand identity. I feel stuck in the business world: the need to support my family. There is too much office politics, commuting and urban busy-ness. I want to be in the world where I can control my life, and not be tossed around in the riptide of the 9-5.
I wanted my website to reflect where I want the company to be, but would that alienate the sources of income I get now? Too. Many. Choices. On top of that I wanted to update this website, to start turning it into a more professional offering, not only a blog for a course. Again, too many thoughts. Then there is Brexit, and the massive uncertainty that brings to my business.
There are a hundred other things in my head, whizzing around so fast I can't even articulate them here. Ok, I am rambling now so I will cut to the point of writing this.
In amongst the chaos of my brain I managed to get myself sat in front of my drafting table with my sketchbook. It was a new one. Blank paper fear. So I grabbed materials from my supplies almost at random. I tried to disconnect me - to connect these whizzing thoughts with the paper. Let them combine.
It helped.
Over small chunks of time over the next few days I had stuff in my sketchbook which represented how I felt. It expressed what was going on inside me, if only just a little bit. I took those pages and refined the ideas into the image I made for this blog post. It's not amazing but I am proud of it. I am proud of this stream of consciousness. I am proud to put some of these feelings down into words and out of my head.
This has brought up a lot of difficult emotions that I have bottled up. Most are still bottled up, so I am going to finish while I can still see the screen. If you've got this far, thanks for taking the time to read and understand a little bit what it's like to be in my head.
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