Section Three confuses me. When I first read the course book I was convinced I would finish in a matter of weeks. I'm now writing this having spent over six months struggling through the work.
I can't seem to pin down one factor that has caused this delay. The biggest aspect seems to be how I have to use my time. One of my most productive times used to be the evening, and I did some of my best work while everyone in my house was asleep. Now, the latest I can be in my office away from home is 8 pm. Another aspect that has compounded this is the school summer holidays, as I have had to split up my day to play my part in making the time fun and fulfilling for my son.
I don't resent it at all - many things seem to have constantly (yet unpredictably) popped up to distract me, or disrupt my time. I feel like I have had few times where I could sit and work in a focused way without some kind of event, crisis, or obligation revealing itself. But it has been, what it has been. And I feel quite calm in accepting it for what it is. In a way, I am proud of this - I have been able to be more stoic, focusing on what I can control rather than fighting what I cannot.
I think the biggest negative feeling I have is the cumulative toll the disruption has had on me. There are two aspects to this:
After a while, I came to resent section three. The exercises in it were difficult from a motivational point of view, but as they took longer and longer that lack of interest compounded. It bled into my studies as a whole, tarnishing the whole experience. It really got to the point where I really just wanted to quit the whole degree. I was so disenfranchised. The positive side was that this sparked my determination to finish it.
Secondly, during the time taken with this section, my output has been much less than it would normally be. I have not had the same time to express myself creatively. This not only makes me feel like my skills have atrophied, but it also affects my mental well-being. I started to feel pangs of doubt and a great loss of self-confidence. It made me notice how doing my coursework contributed to a positive mental attitude and general well-being. I am determined to get back to that place during section four.
As to the section itself, I thought that I would like this section more than I did. Given that it was 'Making' I thought that the more practical elements would be a positive change from the more theoretical section two. I understand the need to think outside the box in the methods of creation for my work. I just didn't really find the exercises engaging. Sometimes they felt too ephemeral, and at other times so didactic that my brain couldn't sustain interest.
I don't really find that the exercises guarantee that students will definitely end up making work with unusual materials and techniques. I think, for me at least, I would have preferred a more structured sequence of material and technique exploration, with room to explore within. So far, I think this module has been my least enjoyable, as well as the most frustrating.
However, I have recently reflected on what I have taken away from this section. Whilst it might have been frustrating, most of the time I drifted along with a form of writer's block. When I look back at assignment three, I can see that (despite feeling paralysed) I managed to find a way to move forward.
Not just moving forward but actually, creating enough structure to become productive and explore. I developed the ability to detach myself from some of my more perfectionist nature. I accepted that perfect was the enemy of done and focused on good. I was enough, and so was my work. Looking back at how I tackled the problem, I am very proud that I found a creative process that worked for me.
Within this process, I see the cycle of thesis (forming a plan), antithesis (pulling apart what I had done in previous modules as well as this section) and synthesis (combining multiple elements together in a new way). Not only that but I also see a series of divergent and convergent phases in my exploration. I explored different options successfully and incorporated generative techniques. Each of my outputs allowed me to explore different styles, processes and genres. All whilst remaining within my constraint of having to create work digitally.
Looking forward to Section Four, I am enthused to take this determination and resilience and incorporate those elements into my imagined, adopted persona. I think that the next section will give me a better opportunity to explore techniques and materials than previous sections. It also allows me to invest time in improving my portraiture skills, something I have wanted to do for a long time.
So, maybe I haven't done this module as fast as I had planned. So what? I still have two sections to pick up my pace and more importantly throw myself into being prolific. I think that is something exciting - something to look forward to. What's done is done, and it is now time to let that go and move forward.
I can't wait.
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