Introduction
I feel like I have just managed to cross the line of a marathon, having hit the wall at the 20-mile mark. It's a combination of exhaustion and elation, especially as I managed to complete Part Five in time for the Spring Assessment window. In July, I was made redundant. At first glance, this should have given me ample time to finish my work, yet I was already feeling burnt out when I learned about my employment. As the job-searching setbacks hit me, I became more and more preoccupied with job hunting, and my disengagement quickly increased.
All of this exacerbated my ADHD, affecting my planning, time management and other executive functioning skills. Now I have some space to reflect on that period in time, I can see it now as the crucible it was. I am frustrated that I delayed asking for help and discussing an extension until it was all or nothing. I recognise the work of shame and low self-esteem here, causing me to hide away. It is hauntingly similar to how I was affected as a young man in medical school, and it had such a great effect on me that I stopped my studies short for my mental health.
The thought of another degree, another aspiration going down the drain due to my fear and shame brought me to some very, very low places. However, I am no longer a 20-something and have accrued experience, resilience and (I hope!) wisdom. I asked for help, and help was given. Moreover, I took responsibility for what I could control and focused on each small step forward that would take me to where I needed to be.
I have come out of the other side feeling focused, resilient, and determined. I am still scared - I don't know where my money is going to come from. I don't know if I'll need to move house. I don't know how I will pay for the rest of my degree. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and what I do know is that these final parts of Illustration 2 have galvanised me to start thinking about myself as a real illustrator and visual communicator.
Part Four
Part Four should have been relatively straightforward; its structure had so much variety. This normally would have been ideal conditions for me to maintain my focus and engagement, however things did not go to plan.
The first big insight I have gained from this section is the potentially critical impact of obstructive tasks. Here, it was Exercise 4.2 which sucked all momentum out of Part Four, and was the key area where I became de-railed. There were a few factors at play here: first, was repetition. Having explored world news and satire during Graphic Fiction, It felt like I was going over old ground. Rationally, I understand that it was a good opportunity to improve skills and experience regardless. However, in terms of how my brain works, it made me completely disengage with the content.
The other aspect was the timing - a General Election. This was prime content for this kind of work, but it had the opposite effect on me: I got hung up on it being as good as the multitude of work being produced by seasoned satirists. Not only that, but it seemed that every time I had (what I thought was) a novel, good idea, I discovered that it had likely already been done.
I am actually very pleased with the end result of that exercise, once I could disassociate myself from the political angle the pressure seemed to dematerialise. I think a component of this episode deals with feelings of self-worth and identity. I consider myself to be intellectual, and I am drawn to clever satire. At some level, I convinced myself that I was not worthy nor capable of creating a smart, intellectual satire.
Once unblocked, and re-focused, I believe that Part Four was very successful. I made a good plan to address the reduced time available to meet my goals and made informed choices to prioritise completion over perfection. Whilst I would never want them to be in similar circumstances, I believe this is a useful learning experience for professional work, and it certainly influenced my final project in Part Five. I am particularly proud of how (despite my mental health challenges) I pushed myself for a number of the research and practical exercises.
I enjoyed the feeling of engagement and motivation each time I was able to combine research and preparation with new techniques and approaches like during the ceramics and mural exercises. I was much less attached to the outcome, and so I felt more free to take these creative risks, which then taught me a lot. During these exercises, I felt in flow: competent enough to attempt things, but still out of my comfort zone. I think this was reflected in my tutor's feedback:
"Your images for the exercise were good and your mock-ups worked really well. I don’t think I have ever had a student who had a specific wall in mind to paint and actually went through with painting it! I think this exercise pretty much sums you up and you seemed to enjoy the process."
I feel humble, given the mural was a complete experiment using the spray paint! However, I do recognise that this exercise does feel like it sums me up: I do make an effort to try and apply what I learn, to go the extra mile with my execution or to find a novel approach to a brief. While it has the risk of perfectionism, I believe that my illustrative practice has grown to a place where I utilise my energy positively more times than not.
Assignment Four really ended up as a statement of intent, as well as a personal conversation. Once I made the final fold of the physical copy I felt like I had created something that I was proud to put out into the world. My tutor's feedback was very useful and contributed to the way I had started to think about my work generally, as well as specifically going into Part Five:
"Down the line, if you find yourself working professionally it would have a good place in your portfolio and from what you showed in your research about the genre, it would be well placed in the comic fairs too. Have you thought of printing some out and putting them together in case you have an opportunity to share them? I would certainly start thinking about what shape your own work website might be and how you could display and categorise your work."
I certainly plan to produce this zine when I have a chance to exhibit it at a comic fair. It's something I will be proud to have in my portfolio. When I look at the comic, I get a voice at the back of my head that tells me "This is what I need to say. This is how I do good."
Part Five
I wasted no time making headway with Part Five. I knew most of the research and exercises were designed to bring things together ahead of the final project. I also had a strong sense of determination to not only make the work as good as possible but also to push myself to get things ready before the assessment window.
I half expected to err on the side of expediency for the exercises. I actually found them very useful in their own ways. Knowing about the self-directed project, I had gathered interest well ahead of finishing Part Four. In fact, I ended up pushing back starting the client work so that I could utilise the exercises for a positive outcome for my client. Whilst I have not done a lot of illustration client work, I have been a consultant for a long time, and I felt somewhat assured about how to present a professional service.
It was important to me that I made the effort to present a service that I would expect if I were a client. It might have been over and above what some illustrators and designers might do, however, I was determined to start as I meant to go on. I used my neurodivergent 'masking' skills to adopt a positive version of myself that was self-assured and acted with confidence. This experience is one I intend to replicate as I put my work out into the world, keeping myself grounded by remaining open and curious with clients.
As I pulled together the exercises and project work, I felt a more definitive sense of who I was as an illustrator. What I cared about (both my service, as well as the content and quality of work). I am really proud of the work I completed. I am pleased that my tutor noted my maturity in both self-awareness and delivering projects. I do feel anxious at the level of ambiguity and variety that I will seemingly experience going from client to client, yet I am also confident that this will improve in time the more commissions I complete.
Part Five was successful for me on many levels. I am pleased that the effort I have put into learning the business aspects of illustration (some of which were done years ahead of this point) has been a productive and beneficial use of my time. It has given me a sense of validation that my ethos of learning as much as I can about a subject and going the extra mile pays off. Even if I can't always show these elements in my learning log, I am learning to show the fruits of that labour.
The Next Chapter
Going into Level Three/HE6 of the degree fills me with a bit of trepidation. It is going to be much more self-directed, which means a greater risk of ambiguity. However, it also means that some of the biggest risks dealing with disengaging topics should be reduced. Had someone asked me this time last year about Level Three, I think I would have freaked out somewhat!
As it stands, I go into Level Three feeling extremely excited. I have a much clearer idea of what voice I have: The positive difference that I want to have in the world, and what good I can do with my skills. There is, in fact, an opportunity: Throughout Levels One and Two I have done a lot of self-directed research which I consistently downplayed or forgot to write in my learning log. At Level Three I not only get to direct the focus of my interests and impact, but it inherently encourages me to structure and document my work in a way where I do not fear it being irrelevant.
One of the core areas where my practice has suffered has been the gradual degradation of my use of sketchbooks for fun. Particularly, drawing from life. Whilst my use of sketchbooks will likely always be more tool-like, I need to put significant effort into core drawing skills. I think I lost count of the number of times my tutor recommended I do some life drawing again.
The sense of focus I have writing this reflection post gives me a lot of hope. I have an idea about the end outcomes. What my practice might look like in the real world. It means I can identify clear goals to achieve, and gaps to fill. Level Three allows me to empower myself to research these areas, and build the skills I will need to thrive. I can put fun and impact at the heart of my studies, and frankly, I am so excited to start.
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