Assignment Four is a new experience for me. For all of my other coursework, there has always been a series of exercises to introduce ideas and skills, culminating in the final assignment where everything comes together.
In this section, I was presented with no exercises, no research - just the assignment. Normally something like that would flummox me. Having no constraints or direction would usually paralyse me. This time, however, I think I was relieved and excited. There was some structure to the assignment itself. I had to choose one of the following three titles:
A Place
Imagination
The Word
The coursework gave some ideas and suggestions for each of the three prompts. I read them all and decided what I would like to tackle. One of the key things I have noticed about my practice and creative approach as this module has progressed has been this feeling inside me that I am not tapping into something.
I often feel like I am not creating work that I subconsciously really want to create. That my work is always edited somehow. Made safe. I was determined that this was something that I needed to tackle as part of visual exploration. All of the preceding sections have given me many exercises to help introduce different paths to explore. But if all of these avenues are somehow tainted, or diluted, by this subconscious apprehension, then will I ever really explore? Will I ever create work that mines the depth of my expression and allows me to speak honestly with my own voice?
So for this assignment, I have decided to undertake a very focused project. I have chosen Imagination, but I will be looking at this concept in my own way. I am not going to explore the nature of imagination, nor am I going to create some kind of narrative work.
I now understand how people with ADHD often mask - they hide themselves in order to fit into a world and society that is not designed for them to thrive. I wear masks all the time; it has become a skill that I have developed for decades and have become adept in its use. Recently I realised that a skill is just a skill. It is the intention and purpose for which the skill is used that truly matters.
For this assignment, I have chosen to take my skill and use it for a positive impact.
Let me elaborate, as this project has a few facets that I intend to explore:
Performance Art
My overall approach could be seen as performance art. The way I intend to use imagination is to explore parts of my personality. Where seen, I will amplify them. If I find parts of me hidden or submerged, I will make them seen. In doing this I will create a mask that I can wear that is for me, rather than other people. It is a version of me that is 'turned up to 11' and personifies my strengths and energy.
I will create work under this pseudonym, inhabiting the character and letting their persona filter through into the work I create.
Psychology
While exploring my neurodiversity, and receiving help from others I recognise that many of my behaviours are learned responses based on my lived experiences. Many were created subconsciously as a way to keep me psychologically (or even physically) protected.
For example, one of the fears most visible to me is a fear that I can't create work that expresses myself. I subconsciously (and often consciously) fear that it could become associated with my professional persona in a way that deters potential clients from engaging my services. It attacks my sense of security and my need to support my family.
Another way I notice this manifesting is an acute fear of rejection (more so than the normal fear everyone has) due to my hypersensitivity. I have conditioned myself to go unnoticed, to not take risks and (most importantly for my art) to not put things into the world.
This aspect of the project is a psychological experiment to start reprogramming my basal ganglia and limbic systems. I am essentially going to teach them to have different responses by controlling the parameters. By using a pseudonym to create work, I am completely protected from any association with my professional work. By wearing my positive mask, I can adopt a personality that is comfortable to perform, to be seen, and is resilient to criticism. I can put my work out into the world with much more psychological safety - this is a key component to allow the more primitive parts of the brain to accept new information and change their decision-making processes.
Essentially, the worst that can happen is that I put work out into the world, and all I receive back is complete indifference. The best case is that it is received positively. My hypothesis is that this will teach my brain a new feedback loop. That when you put yourself out there, nothing bad happens. Doing this again and again, it should allow my subconscious to drop patterns of behaviour that no longer protect me; they hold me back.
Skills and Voice
Skills come with time, practice and application. I am comfortable that they will continue to grow and deepen the more I create. What is important to me is that I am seen and that I have a voice. What I do and say with my work is important to me.
My ADHD and neurodiversity are becoming a cornerstone of what I want to incorporate into my work. I have never really felt like I was truly seen, and this is something I intend to challenge in different ways through aspects of my work.
This project allows me to indulge in aspects of creative work that I might not otherwise be able to explore as part of the illustration pathway. There are two particular areas that I have wanted to spend more time exploring: Oil/Acrylic painting and portraiture. It also allows me to explore an aspect of neurodiversity.
According to the 2021 report on neurodiversity in the UK criminal justice system, it was remarked that "half of those entering prison could reasonably be expected to have some form of neurodivergent condition" [2]. This is massively disproportionate when compared with the prevalence of neurodiversity in the national population. It seems like little has changed since Victorian times, when facial features were used to denote criminal personality [3] and alongside predominantly racist viewpoints allowed the rise of eugenics, social Darwinism and critical race theory.
These have not gone away. Whilst prejudice and social stigma are justifiably getting more awareness in terms of racial and gender inequality, neurodiversity is not. For the most part, we are hidden. We look like everyone else (a lot of the time, because of masking) and when we do dare to be ourselves and express our unique views of the world, we are labelled and attacked.
So the last thing I want to do with this project is to show the faces of neurodivergent people. To capture something of their essence, and to show the world that they might look the same, but they are also different. In an amazing way that should be celebrated and should not be held back.
So, to summarise for the sake of the coursework (and if you need a TL:DR version!) my project will be "A series of portraits exploring the features and strengths of neurodiverse people, created under an imagined pseudonym to subvert the skill of masking for positive impact."
References
Rosqvist, B.H., Chown, N. and Stenning, A. (2022) Neurodiversity studies: A new critical paradigm. Abingdon, Oxfordshire: Routledge.
Taylor, C., Russell, J. and Winsor, T. (2021) NEURODIVERSITY IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM: A review of evidence. rep. London: CJJI, pp. 7–7.
Tierney, J.J. (2009) “Positivism,” in Key perspectives in criminology. Maidenhead, Berkshire: Open University Press, pp. 114.
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